random ramblings of a tegan and sara fanatic :D
Oh man. Hitting me with the hard ones on finals week, aren’t you?
But here it goes.
I think you have to allow yourself to hurt. When we look at most people, we see an incessant resistance to vulnerability. We see the frustration to just “get over things,” so quickly, but quite frankly, if you’re able to do so with people and relationships you lose that still mean so much to you, they didn’t mean that much to you. So, if it hurts, let it. If you need to grieve, then grieve, cry, be upset, be angry, fucking get mad and blog about it or write about it or yell about it. Let it out.
The harder you try to suppress things and put on a facade, the harder and longer it will take to move on. Instead of taking baby steps to accepting or acknowledging, you shudder when a song comes on that reminds you of them, and you beat yourself up (you beat yourself backwards) for feeling. Call into work for a few days and do nothing but what makes you happy, truly makes you happy. Watch an entire season of the New Girl on netflix…again. Maybe make yourself warm cider with cinnamon sprinkled on top. Overcook the popcorn, because sometimes the burnt crisp is better than how you intended it to come out in the first place. (Yes, that could also be a deep-rooted metaphor for your love life, I don’t know). Open the windows and let the natural light in and put a wet cloth on your head and just lay backwards off the couch and realize that you’re alive and the world’s still revolving but maybe you just need to take a few minutes before jumping back in. And that’s okay. If your phone rings to the melody of an apology, silence it. You’ve been injured and you’re still recuperating and visiting hours are closed. Stand naked in front of the mirror and just run your hands across your skin, gently. Remember you’re beautiful, remember you’re worth more than what anyone else thinks of you. Breathe in. Stop. Breathe out. When “your guys’” song comes on, feel it - only for a few seconds - then change the channel. Hope tomorrow is better. You’ll be all bandaged up and rebuilt with a stronger foundation via experience one day no matter how impossible it may seem in the moment. One tomorrow will be better. Look forward to it, and embrace every moment in between to help guide you back up to it.
Know it will most likely happen again.
Do not fear it.
Do not shut yourself out or cut yourself off.
To love and break is courage and tears and intimacy and hurt and passionate kisses against the wall and cold sheets after a fight.
It is I love you and I hate you and everything in between.
To not love is not unbroken.
It is not preventing hurt, but generating it from deep within; you will never feel absolutely crushed again, okay, maybe. But you may also never feel anything, and who gave anyone the power to ever take that liberty away from you? Take it back. Fight back. Love back.